I’m going to stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding!
The neighbor told me you are chasing people on a bicycle. He’s lying…I don’t have a bicycle.
Used to be rock around the clock, now it’s limp around the block.
What do we learn from cows, buffalo and elephants? It is impossible to lose weight by eating greens and walking.
Them: Why do you always have the TV on when you’re never watching it? Me: Oh, that’s my emotional support background noise.
You know how old people don’t have a filter and don’t care what anyone thinks? That’s me. I’m old people.
Making plans sounds fun until you have to put clothes on and actually go out.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet. How did it work? Joe Lean Joe Lean…
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
