Whew! Almost left the grocery store without a bag of spring mix to throw away unopened in 2 weeks!
I told my husband I want to see blue water…He said, “Grab the toilet brush and the Ty-D-Bol”!
You know you’re getting old when “Friends with Benefits” means having somebody who can drive at night!
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing”, it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s five years in a row now..
As I watch my wife delivering our baby, I realize she now knows how it feels when I have a cold.
Brain at 3 AM: I can see you’re trying to sleep, so I would like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today or in the past 10 years.
If you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
The man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round. They traveled in different circles.
My family has no concept of indoor voices. They only speak in caps lock.
